Follow Your Heart..

Things just aren’t the same as they use to be anymore. So much has changed and so much will change. I don’t know whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I really don’t do well with change; especially change as big as mine’s. 

Starting college, I lost a lot of friends, those that I trusted everything with and those that were always there for me when I needed them. Nowadays, people go their separate ways and people grow distant from each other. Up to this day, I only have two friends that actually care about me. But when I need them the most, both of them are in different states >.<

My plan last year was to transfer and go where they go. But now, things are different. They’ll soon be 3,000 miles away from me. I can’t just go back to them every weekend when I want, I’ll just have to skype them which is not enough for me considering I’ve lived my whole life with them. 

My boyfriend that I live with now, he will also soon be gone. It’s hard enough that family leaves me but now my boyfriend? I really feel like I’m slowly becoming distant from everyone I love and care about!! >.<

My first year of college is soon coming to an end. My grades this quarter are not what I expected :/ My grades are slipping and my emotions are taking control over my life. 

I feel like I have so much on my plate but there’s no one there to give me any advice or support through all my struggles. It’s not easy going through so much on your own, feeling so depressed on the inside but in front of others, you smile and act like there’s nothing wrong because you don’t want them to know all the pain that you go through. 

I thought moving out on my own was called being independent. Soon, I’ll really understand the meaning to being independent. 

Well today could not get any worse. 

I have only been through two chapters today; one more for the day and three more tomorrow. 

I have a massive headache from all this studying. 

And on top of all that, the past keeps coming back and haunting me. 

I may have gotten rid of it in the past by leaving it alone and not even confronting it but the more that I think about it, the more everything falls into place >.<

I really hope that it is only my imagination wandering around aimlessly but I can’t help but think that maybe it is true. Maybe it did happen and all I am getting are lies and denials. 

I hope that all this mess is just my mind playing games with me. I can’t handle all this especially when I don’t have anyone to confide to; no one to confide to but one friend that I’ve known for so long and has always been there for me. 

I feel like a helpless child that doesn’t know their way back home >.<

For now, my education & these finals are more important. I do not have time to deal with this nonsense. 

For the rest of my life, I know it’s going to keep coming back to haunt me.

But what can I do? 

There is not turning back time. Whatever happened in the past happened in the past. Whether it is denied or accepted, there’s a possibility. It’s 50/50. It either happened or it did not happen!!

A lot has happened in the past. And a lot will happen in the future. 

All I can do now is just live in the present and go with it day by day.

I feel like I have so much on my mind and yet I have no one to tell it all to without being judged, criticized, yelled and attacked at.  

I guess all I have is this journal I call my Feelings. 

You think you have problems? Stop feeling sorry for yourself because everyone has problems. No one is perfect. Easy as that. 

I really hope everything that I’m doing, it’s for a reason and I won’t be wasting my time.

Now I understand what they mean when they say “Life has its up & downs”